Been a while since I made one of these, figured I'd vent for a bit, make an update, yadda yadda.

I just want a break, really. A period of time during which no more bullshit happens :F. I'm always having something shitty to think about, most of it coming from my mum, who has nobody else to turn to really. Following her attempted suicide in late 2009 (I was the one who found the pills everywhere and got the ambulance, fun night XP) she had a nervous breakdown and we'd just moved into a new house, that very day in fact. So I had to set everything up and sort everything out, which I'd never done before. After that crash-course in home management and several months of family conflicts I moved out with my partner, Flint, to a flat of our own. It was good to get away from family shite and it made me better at dealing with things.

Despite this, my mum had to move again and helping find/move/set up her new place was stressful, as was applying for the benefits she needed on top of thinking about my own shit with Flint due to our new indipendence. Once that was done it's been more problems again. She's basically bored shitless in this new place with only my brother, who now works full time. So she spends most of her days alone and bored, smoking and feeling like shit, which isn't doing her finances or state of mind any good. So I need to think with her about how to spice up her life a bit or she'll never recover from this nervous breakdown she's had. She used to be a social worker for like 14 years but now she can't even have a deep conversation, she sees things in a very childish and paranoid way and it's hard to see her like that, knowing who she was and that she's my mother. I just block it out and don't dwell on it most of the time, because if I let it fuck me up then it'll only make things worse for her etc.

I'm saving a bit of money for her at the moment so she can go clothes shopping, she hasn't had anything decent to wear for a long time and her finances are too tight to allow her the freedom to buy some new clothes. What's pissing me off though is it's just one thing after another, if it isn't a problem with her then there's something wrong on my end, and the fact that I have my own issues with anxiety and inability to sleep properly don't help :F. Gah, I want a break.

There's also my close friend, Emerald-Physics on FurAffinity, who's probably going through worse than me and has had a whole heap of shit happen to him, that I wont elaborate on. I'd like to get with him more and make a bit of money for both of us (he's a talented artist) but he doesn't have a paypal yet the swine XP.

So yeah, I'm kinda low on motivation right now so my commissions aren't going to be done very swiftly, especially with winter approaching and the daylight hours reducing, so the lack of sunlight and the cold are making me feel pretty on edge XP. I'll get there in the end I guess but arrrrgh it's fucking annoying :F.

Anyway, enough emo :F.

Since I can no longer be bothered paying for the upkeep of my personal website, I figure I'll make some religion-related entries on here instead. I've been reading the Bible practically every day for a while now, taking it in, understanding the context and drawing my own conclusions. It's pretty fucking horrible stuff, to be honest, particularly the old testament. Take the book of Ezekiel, if you haven't read it then at least you've probably heard it being referred to and misquoted in Pulp Fiction right before Samuel L. Jackson blows someones brains out.

Ezekiel features a prophet of the same name, referred to only as "man" throughout the book. Once again, God has decided that the best method of communication with a population is via the ravings of a single person among many whom are also attempting to channel the words of god(s) themselves. Considering God's main complaint is that his chosen people never listen to him, he could have perhaps chosen a more appropriate and effective method of communication.

Anyway, Ezekiel features the usual sort of spew found in the majority of the OT: God threatens to kill vast numbers of people in horrific ways unless they do as they're told. Again, in a culture so apparently rife with other religions and gods, Yahweh expects the people of Jerusalem and Judah to listen to less than a handful of people who shout in the street. How the fuck are you supposed to know what it is He really wants? Who do you listen to? How do you know which shouting bloke is the real mccoy? The horrid threats never worked in the past, but God is keeping with tradition in the book of Ezekiel and it feels like one is reading the same verses again and again. Naturally, in Biblical times repetition was the common form of emphasis; fucking boring, but just a personal gripe.

What caught my eye in the book of Ezekiel more than anything else was chapter 18. Have a read of it here if you want to verify anything I say about it. God has made a change to His rules. Previously it was the case that anyone who sinned in life also cursed the generations of children after them, so sins didn't just affect the sinner but their offspring too, and their offsprings' offspring, etc. A grossly unfair and rediculous rule that is appropriately overruled in Ezekiel. I thought the word of God was absolute, though? I thought this guy was omniscient, unable to change his mind because He is so perfect as to be unable to make an error. There is also the implication that death only exists as a result of disboedience towards Biblical law. I'll beg to differ on that fucking point but yeah.

This is what pisses me off you see. The source material is supposed to be of divine inspiration but all one notices upon reading the text is the fact that the ideas within it are being constantly engineered to suit human culture and interests. There's nothing amazing and innovative, nothing earthshaking in Biblical text, just the evidence of a morally primitive society and its obsession with mortality and grim, short, violent life. It's fucking depressing XP.

Thanks God, you're a dick.

So I've finally got a new computer after finding a little work for a few weeks. It's a lovely little piece of kit too, I'm very happy with it. Other than that I've been working and playing Call of Duty World At War online on my PS3. Wicked stuff.

So another update, just for those of you interested. Still without a computer, I'm using my mother's laptop so at least I occasionally have means to browse around. My grandma was rushed into hospital with pancreas issues resulting from some shit to do with her gall bladder; she's since had that removed and is recovering well. My mum's still crazy, the house has calmed down since the carnage of not too long ago. We're in a shit financial position and I'm constantly stressed and anxious, often unduly, but hey, anxiety disorder. Ah fuck it, boring. I'll rant or something.

You know what pisses me the fuck off? Those benefit fraud ads on TV, the government bogeyman is gonna catch you if you're cheating the benefit system! Sure, aint right when people do that, but fuck off you cheeky pieces of shit. So we have an environment problem at the moment, right? Who foots the responsibility for that shit? Are the people making an absolute fortune inconvenienced or is it that we have to start making an effort to sort through garbage on a fucking fools errand? The trucks and factories dealing with recycling will offset any good it does so what a waste of fucking time. My point is that, in leu of actually doing something, we're supposed to "help" and shit still doesn't get done. Blame the common bloke.

Is the economy a mess because Joe Council Estate is fobbing off the social fund for hundreds or because the people in fucking charge of the money are pocketing a bit and being unfathomably irresponsible with the rest. The cheeky motherfucking bankers gave themselves millions in bonuses on a job well done, likely to help keep them from starving in the wake of the economic shitstorm they just negligently fucking created. Where's the law about doing this shit? Oh right, there isn't one, it's okay to chuck millions of public funds at yourself.

Rich businessmen seem to demand respect, even the ones that aren't rich do. Has one not forgot that the only reason they made any fucking money was from being given it by others? I'm sick to fucking death of the mentality of this country when it comes to self respect and the gaugeing of success. So you're worthless if you don't have money but you're a fucking king if you made your fortune off of the backs of others. Oh yeah, it was your ingenuity and hard work over many years that paid off. Yeah, it paid off for you, you selfish fucking cocksuckers. I'm alright, Jack, fuck you; that's the attitude of our society, where people in new clothes can walk right past a homeless person with their noses turned up, pretending they have no fucking change.

Last year I was witness to a pub manager shouting at a homeless man to fuck off and get a job when he was asking the suit-wearing solicitor clientelle for some change. I shit you not. My friends dissuaded me from handing his ass to him in public, the lucky fucker. I'm not talking about violence either. How would the homeless bloke get a job with no fucking national insurance number, residence or clean clothes? Oh yeah, Big Issue, which would involve asking people in the street for money. Whoops! Cunt. How the fuck can people in an advantageous, better position, actually shit on those with less? What utter piss-drinking weasly twat does it take to do that?

Anyway, that felt better XP.

Pointing fun and laughing at people over the internet, trolling and such, does outwardly seem and feel abhorrent to me, but I believe it has its uses. It's a healthy and effective method of enforcing social rules, keeping things in check. The only thing is that, on it's, own, it doesn't serve its full purpose. Sure, the majority are being reinforced in their knowledge of what constitutes good behaviour but those who express those unhealthy behaviours, the subjects of that mockery, also need to be supported. No good enforcing social rules and leaving those left behind to rot, they need the support to get out of the damaging behavioural loop their stuck in.

I'm not going anywhere with this, just food for thought.

Oh and I think Lie to Me, with Tim Roth, is fucking amazing.

Great show, innit.

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Well, that just tops it all off, doesn't it. I'm on Flint's computer right now, because my laptop just died. Some virus thing, whole comp is completely knackered. Haha, wonderful. Lost it all again. Luckily I have a shitload of stuff on a backup harddrive but I hadn't gotten round to putting everything on there, like my recent art and stuff. Ah fuck it anyway.

Basically, I ended up on TSSZ today for some topic I made banning new topics about a fan movie which has been cropping up on the forum for months, each time provoking huge dramafests. Only logical thing to do is ban them innit. But you know me (presumably, if you're reading this), I tend to swear a lot and write things in a jokingly inflammatory manner (unless I'm genuinely pissed off, that is XP). This has sparked off some sort of drama bollocks on the TSSZ news site and that, to be honest with ya, provided a laugh for me more than anything else. I've had this sort of crap on and off for the years I've been part of TSS, and it's to be expected, a consequence of how I choose to behave and I accept responsibility for that, no probs.

What's got to me though is someone I actually thought was my friend has completely severed contact with me over it. He linked me to the rules I wrote on SSMB and I told him they don't apply to me as an unpaid admin, since I wrote them and all that. The important thing here is that I clarified this point with that it's not a double standard. The rule I break is the flaming rule, I allow myself to write inflammatory posts against members when they've done something I deem worthy of it, and, now this is important, I also make it clear that those same members are completely free to say whatever the fuck they want without repercussion. If I can dish it then I can take it back, that's my philosophy on the matter. It's not even like I often actually fucking do have a go at someone anyway, for christ sake.

But yeah, apparently I'm scum because I dare to break the forum rules, it's a massive abuse of power or some shit. That's funny, since my 'power' amounts to having permissions on a fucking Sonic fan forum, which I don't get paid for (or even thanked for, if one looks at the way some people talk about me). So I should do all this shit for years, asking nothing in return, and I'm an evil bastard if I say "here, I'm going to speak my mind to you, feel free to do it back"?

Friends don't ditch people over that shit, everybody has flaws, I certainly aint perfect. I'm a sensitive person and this has hurt my feelings, especially since I now have no fucking means whatsoever to actually say anything back to this person. God it's irritating.

Now people on the fence judging me, that's fine and dandy, it's going to happen and that's okay; I really don't give a monkeys, but I don't expect this from friends. Can't be a friend then, can he, if all he does is ask me for commissions and then fuck off the second I do something he doesn't like. Never mind that I accepted his flaws completely. Fuck sake. Cunt. How dare you judge me, "I thought you were better than that.", you bastard.

If people want me to be a professional, I want to be paid like one, otherwise fuck off. I don't shit on people, I help every person who asks me to. You utter, utter, fucking cunt.

--

Actually, I haven't quite finished with this one, might as well get it off my chest instead of bolt it up, otherwise what's this fucking thing for anyway?

I act out and mess around when I'm under a lot of stress, but I've still always tried to help people. This 'friend' who's severed ties with me approached me once about a friend of his, someone I'd never even heard of, and informed me they really needed money and were facing homelessness. Within the hour I was doing charity art commissions at any price the buyer wanted to raise money for this person I didn't know. Apparently she cried when she found out about the effort I'd put in. I don't do it for thanks or kudos, I do it because helping people makes me fucking feel good, it's a good feeling. So all that's moot then, me being a carer, spending what little money I get buying gifts and thinking of others to the point that I'm having anxiety attacks nearly every fucking day.

I've sat up all night on the phone to people who wanted someone to talk to, I've listened to anyone who wanted an ear, I've even advertised the fact on SSMB, offering to help (pretty much nobody replied but hey, I offered). But because I occasionally call someone a tosser or a cunt, I'm a wolf in sheeps clothing? The fucking pain I've been in lately and I come online to see this bollocks written about me, I shrug it off, because people who don't know me are gonna make judgements and enjoy partaking in drama, we all do it. But someone I've trusted and invested my time in doing it to me is something I'm not very good at accepting.

Call me a shit admin, point out that I'm a hypocrite for breaking my own rules, that's your prerogative. But remember that you don't know me, you don't know a fucking thing about me, and if you do and still abuse me then I know you're not worth my time. Just stick it up your arse or something. If I'm a bad person, I dunno what the fuck a good person is.

Apparently this LJ has made it into the nominations for the Entertainment category. Come on, who's taking the piss here? XP Last time I mentioned Sonic was...I don't even remember ever doing so except once and that post hasn't been visible to the public for a year.

WOT?

Hey I did buy some Tails merch recently, I got two little plushies and a cute figurine, because Tails is sexy. Am I topical now, SSA?

I've been feeling especially cynical lately, and I'm smoking far too many cigarettes. Thing is though, it's not an entirely negative cynicism in that I'm brooding and feeling crap about things, it's more of a humoured pessimism, a taking enjoyment from slagging things off. Maybe it's because I'm tired and my random winamp playlist is picking appropriate music for my mood. I dunno anyway. Fuck it, it's all shit :F.